meet me or not, i'm out of control
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
