The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
