I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
