Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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