So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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