the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
