Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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