I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
