bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
