i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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