Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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