I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You Will Never Meet Anyone More Annoying Than These 23 People
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.