Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
it hurts more in the daytime
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
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My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
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she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.