Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
A bitchslap is in order.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
