My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
