Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
