hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
