The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
