they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
my nose is crying tears of wow.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
