I just pynch a tree in the face
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
