apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
