I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
