It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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