I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
