i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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