If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
