Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
