He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
