I just cut my nipple shaving
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
