New low: just hacked my moms facebook
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
