if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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