Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
