not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Im part way to drunk.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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