apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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