This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
