you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
