Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
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Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
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He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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