i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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