Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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