He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
