what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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