The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
