Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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