The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Randomize
