youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
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And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
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BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.