I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
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he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
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How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run