this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.