why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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