Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
