Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
