THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
My life is pants optional.
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