All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
