today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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