2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
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Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
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Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
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