Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
