Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
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I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
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It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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