Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
