So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
