I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Randomize
