Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
