Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
